at 4:15pm on a Tuesday, I'm at work when I get a call from a "Private Number"
i get a lot of spam calls from random numbers, but this one got me curious enough to answer, on speaker
"hello am i speaking to [my name]?"
"yes?"
"this is Officer [i dont remember] from the Wayne County Sheriff's office"
he's got no accent, but later my coworker says he sounded like a caricature of a cop
i'm expecting him to ask for a donation
"i need you to come down to the station because of a missed jury duty summons on december 8th"
"what? right now? i'm at work"
"yes sir, i'm not allowed to leave until you get here"
"wow, that's a weird situation for you to be in"
"do you need to inform your boss that you're leaving?"
i look at my coworker's shocked face
"umm no"
"i need you to pack up your stuff, go to your car, but don't start driving until i instruct you to. do not end this call. we must maintain contact until this matter is resolved"
i don't like how my brain and body were spurred into action by his confident authoritative voice
my bull shit alarm should have been going off, but i did recently get a jury duty summons, though i was sure it wasn't until January
as i'm walking to my car, every few seconds he tries to confirm that i'm still on the line with him
when i get to my car, he says i need to verbally state my name, date, and time for the record
this is either to prime my brain to accept taking orders from him
or to get my voice print
he wanted to send some "documents" to my email address
but i can't access my email from my phone
so he texted them to my phone instead
he's now got me alone in my car
away from anybody that might tell me that this is a scam
and only himself giving me orders
he has me start reading the documents word for word
so i'm on the record understanding the situation
he makes sure that i'm reading everything precisely and make sure that i'm following "procedures"
he called himself my Mobile Contact Officer
my cynical brain accepted this idea
because of course some middle management politician bureaucrat created remote cop work to save money
to make a long story short, here's the story he's trying to sell me
back in march, i signed a certified letter acknowledging that i've got jury duty
on december 8th, i failed to appear in court
on december 16th, a warrant was issued for my arrest
i need to post a bond of $9000
or surrender myself to the local sheriff's station
he needs me to come up with $9000 in cash or bitcoin
which will be held in a trust until a hand writing analysis confirms the forgery of my signature
and then i will be refunded the money
if at any time, i do not wish to comply with his orders, i can turn myself in to the sheriff's office (at the address he provided) and be arrested
so the options he's giving me are
to get $9000 in cash and deposit it in a "Secure Kiosk Location"
or get arrested at the sheriff's office
now my bullshit alarms are going off
but i decide to play along
just in case
his script has an answer to every question, argument, and excuse i might have . . .
"i can pay in bitcoin?!"
"yes sir, President Trump says it's okay"
he accused me of being belligerent when i mentioned this sounds like a scam (here after referred to as "the S-word")
"where am i supposed to get $9000 in cash after 5pm?"
"i will allow you to use your phone to navigate to your bank's nearest branch"
"so i need to give you a bunch of money?"
"no, the judge needs you pay the bond"
"i can't even contact my lawyer?"
"no sir, lawyers are not allowed during [this type of legal procedure]"
this is the part that makes me feel really REALLY stupid
i find not a bank branch, but a corner drug store that has an ATM in it
i walk up to the thing, and type $9000, not really expecting it to work
it will only give me $300 at a time, with a $3.50 convenience fee
"you want me to stand here and do this twenty-nine more times?"
"yes sir, i can wait all night if necessary"
i didn't notice his excitement until later
i managed to withdraw $900 before it stopped me
"flip over your bank card, call the number, and have them raise your withdraw limit"
at this point Jim Browning is screaming in my mind https://www.youtube.com/@JimBrowning
i text my sister and explain the situation
she says that it's definitely a scam
and sends me a link explaining the con
she suggests i ask the scammer to tell me what my SSN is
"if you insist, i can pull up your personal information. what are you going to when i provide it?"
"i'm going to drive to the sheriff's office anyway"
he hung up
at the end of this life lesson
i've lost a couple hours, some gasoline, and $10.50 in ATM convenience fees